Blame and Protection
by SilverMidnight52
Summary: A month after Brandel is locked away Callen questions how Deeks is doing. Forth and final part of Deeks Backstory series. Read warnings.


Alright so I was asked for a better ending to the whole Deeks Backstory fic and this was what happened. I'm not going to lie though I'm never touching this story again. This is it for ever.

Warnings: Talks of rape and abuse.

If you want to be kept up to date with any upcoming stories or want to ask me to write a story for you please follow me on Facebook or on Tumblr under SilverMidnight52! I own nothing.

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Taking a sip of his drink Callen watched as across the room Deeks, Kensi, and Nell laughed about something. It wasn't all that different from what normally went down when the team went out. At least it shouldn't have been, but there was something about it that made the agent want to walk over and pull Deeks out of the bar completely.

It was completely ridiculous and he knew it. He just couldn't separate the man in front of him from the man that had just gotten out of the hospital because his 'father' was a dick of a man. Not that many knew the full story.

Deeks had put up quite the argument convincing everyone that outside of Hetty, Nate, and Callen no one needed to know what had really gone down. It would go into his file, he would get the proper therapy, and that would be that.

Hetty had felt guilty for having let Brandel slip through her fingers so it was easy to get her to say yes. Nate had been perfectly fine with Deeks being the one to take the reins in his therapy. As for Callen, he just didn't want to cause any more damage.

It wasn't often that the older man walked into a situation that he didn't at least have some grasp on. His job was to be as in control over his surroundings as possible. Being so out of step was wrong on every level.

What made it all the worse was the fact that it was only him that seemed to see just how wrong it was. At the very least Deeks should have some kind of change. Instead he was smiling and acting as if nothing had happened. It made no sense for him to be okay after everything.

It had only been a month since Brandel had been tossed into jail once more. One month! That was not a long time. It especially wasn't long enough to get over what had happened. There was no way that Deeks was okay.

As much as he hated to say it if it was up to him the detective wouldn't be in the field. He needed time to heal and think and move on. Running head first into a case was the last thing that he should be doing.

It wasn't his choice though. Nate was the one to decide those things and he thought Deeks was okay. At least that was the impression Callen got. The fact that the younger man was there said everything. Though no one else seemed to be saying anything.

Callen had so many questions about the whole situation and he had no answers. Mostly because he had been avoiding both Deeks and Nate. Or maybe they were avoiding him. It was hard to say at that point. Something that annoyed him to no end.

The whole situation annoyed him if he was being truthful. Deeks had a way of doing that to him though. He always had. The younger man seemed to love taking everything that Callen knew and turning it on its ear.

At least that's what it felt like. Which was a ridiculous thought when it came down to it. Deeks wasn't doing anything on purpose. He was just being himself and that person happened to be exactly the type of person that drove the older man mad.

Not that he was thinking about his feelings for Deeks. He had much more important things to be worried about. Like the fact that the man was going to be returning to active field duty by the time the weekend was over.

Despite what Nate might think there was no chance that the man was okay. He had been forced to spend how long with his abusive father? Not that the actual amount of time matter. No matter what the answer was it was too long.

He should have seen what was going on so much sooner. His job was to figure out the things that people didn't want him to see. Yet the person that he had been falling for was being abused and he had what? Thought about his crush and sat on his ass.

Being so blind had really helped the entire situation. Which seemed to be his MO lately. Maybe he could convince Hetty to let the team have sometime off. Anything so he could get his head screwed on straight again.

"Hey, Callen," Deeks greeted walking up to him with a grin on his lips, "Why are you over here by yourself? The rest of the team is celebrating."

"Not really in the mood," Callen replied calmly not looking directly at the man.

"Is that because of the same reason you're avoiding me?"

Blinking a few time the agent forced himself to finally look at the younger man. He expected for the man to have an accusing look on his face. Instead he was smiling peacefully as he watched Eric walk over to Nell and Kensi.

A part of Callen wanted to believe the front that the man was putting on. He did look like he was happy and healthy. The agent had seen the marks that Brandel had left though. He would never be able to unsee the damage that had been done.

"Deeks," Callen tried to start only to realize he had no idea what he should say.

"I get it," Deeks shrugged before taking a sip of beer, "Nate said it would take awhile for you to get over it."

"Me? I don't have to get over anything."

"Then why are you avoiding me?"

"I thought you were avoiding me so I decided to give you some space."

"Nope. Definitely you avoiding me."

Callen opened his mouth to argue only to stop when the detective sent him a look. There was something about the look that had him looking at the ground. It wasn't often he felt reprimanded, but that did it.

"Don't lie to me, Callen," Deeks said turning fully to him, "I know that this is hard, but I think we've moved past the lying thing."

"It's only been a month since he went to jail," Callen tried to argue though it felt weak.

"I know. I was there."

"How is that long enough to be okay after what happened?"

The ocean blue eyes narrowed before Deeks placed both of their drinks down and pulled him out of the bar. A part of Callen wanted to pull back and refuse to go with him. He did not want to hear what the man had to say and he didn't want to know why that was.

Still he let himself be taken outside and pulled to the side of the building. Once they were out of the way Deeks turned back to him. His eyes were darker than before and Callen could tell that he was now angry at him. What fun.

"What the hell is going on with you, Callen?" Deeks demanded glaring at him, "You're acting completely weird and you have been since that night with Brandel."

"Deeks," Callen sighed shaking his head.

"No, I'm done with this. What is going on with you?"

"With me? Nothing is wrong with me. It's you that you should be worried about."

"Me? I'm fine, Callen. For the first time in a long time I'm actually fine."

"It's been a month, Deeks! You're not fine!"

Callen watched as the younger man took a step back when he raised his voice. Scrubbing a hand over his face the agent let out a sigh. The last thing he should be doing was yelling at someone that had just dealt with such an abusive situation.

He was trained on how to talk to a victim, but his mind was going blank. Why did it have to be Deeks? Why couldn't it have been someone that he could think around? Than maybe he'd know what he was doing.

"Deeks, I'm-" Callen tried to start.

"No," the detective cut him off angrily, "You're done talking. It's my turn. I get that you know what happened between Brandel and me, but that doesn't mean you know better than I do. It doesn't mean you get it."

"I'm not-"

"Still not done! Did you know that every single day since that night I've been talking to Nate? That we've been discussing every little thing that happened in my life? Everything. I get that this might seem as if it was easy for me and I _moved on_ quickly, but that's not what it was like for me."

"Deeks..."

"I have cried more times than I like to think about. I have had Nell and Eric find me a new place to stay. I have thrown away pretty much everything that I used to own and bought new things. I have been working my ass off to walk away from that part of my life, to break the hold that he had over me. I've been relearning myself. I'm okay. You're not."

Despite the fact that he hadn't said anything Callen felt his heart pounding in his chest like he had just run a mile. Turning around he looked at Deeks and felt his breath catch. He looked so unshakeable standing there and it confused him. How could he be okay? Nothing felt okay.

"Callen," Deeks sighed deflating slightly as he ran a hand through his hair, "This hasn't been going on for a month. It might have come to a grand finale for everyone to see a month ago, but it's been longer than that. I've been fighting that hold for most of my life It wasn't until you forced me to talk to Nate that I really started to think for myself again. I still ended up dreaming about the life I thought I led. I mean, I wanted so badly for the two of you to be wrong even though I knew the truth."

The agent watched as his friend practically folded in on himself. All he wanted to do was gather the man in his arms and attempt to comfort him. Something about that seemed wrong though. He doubted that the man would accept it either way.

"When Brandel came back into my life," Deeks continued softly, "I didn't know what to think. I finally had what I had been dreaming of, but it didn't feel right. Every time I stopped for a moment to think I heard the two of you in my head. I heard everything that I had said to Nate during our sessions. I heard everything you had said when I first told you about him. I was fighting every step of the way, but I just couldn't bring myself to pull away fully."

"Why not?" Callen questioned stepping closer to him, "Why couldn't you just tell us? We would have helped."

"I know, but… Callen, I felt so weak and like I deserved what was happening. I felt like I deserved everything he was doing to me."

Finally giving into the urge Callen moved forward and pulled the younger man to him. Deeks went willingly and rested his head on the agent's shoulder. He could fell the man shaking in his arms. At least he thought it was Deeks.

For a moment both of them were completely silent as they took comfort in each other. Licking his lips Callen forced himself to ignore the damp patch appearing on his shoulder. He also ignored the tears streaming down his own face.

"G," Deeks croaked out as he broke the hug, "It took a long time for me to see myself as the victim that needed help. That night was bad to say the least. I mean, you saw the damage that had been done. I… At first I had thought that he was right and I had just forgotten everything that he had 'taught' me. It wasn't until that night that I started to really listen to the little voice in the back of my head. The one that reminded me that I was a cop. I wasn't a child that he could manipulate and use. I was a cop that stopped monsters like him. After that I knew that it had to stop."

As Deeks trailed off he lifted his hand to wipe at the tears on Callen's face. A shaky breath left the agent when he felt that and he hated himself for that. The last thing that Deeks should be doing was comforting him, but the look in his eyes said he didn't mind.

"You and Nate saved me," Deeks offered with a soft but bright smile.

"No, I didn't," Callen denied taking a step back.

"Callen?"

"I saw that something was wrong and I did nothing to help you. You had that man in your life for what? A week? A week of him..."

"Beating me? Raping me? Attempting to break me?"

"Deeks."

"I know, but I have to say it. Brandel could get to me so easily because I kept running away from what happened instead of facing it. I have to say those things if I want to move on from them."

Licking his lips Callen nodded his head sort of understanding what the younger man was saying. It was an odd way to think about it, but he could see where he was coming from. Even if that was the last thing that he'd do.

"Callen, you did help me get to this point," Deeks stated firmly resting a hand on his shoulder.

"I sat on my ass," Callen scoffed shaking his head.

"You gave me the tools I needed to find myself again."

"I didn't do anything but get stabbed by that man."

"Callen, you don't get it."

"Get what?"

"That you couldn't save me from him."

Cocking his head to the side he stared at the man not bothering to hide how that hurt him. He hated the idea of not being able to help someone he cared for. All he ever wanted to do was keep them safe and protected from everything that tried to hurt him.

Hearing that he couldn't have done anything hurt. Well, not even just hurt him if he was being truthful. One of this biggest fears was not being able to protect the people he cared for. All of his life he had wanted to do was find his family and never let them go. Deeks and the rest of the team was the closest he had ever gotten. He had to keep them safe.

"Don't give me that look, Callen," Deeks shook his head and squeezing his shoulder, "It's not that I don't trust you or that you're too weak or anything like that."

"Then what?" Callen questioned completely lost.

"I had to save myself from him. If I had let you or Nate do that then I'd still always have doubts. I would have always been under his thumb. Instead I broke myself out and I'm free. Callen, I'm free from him. For good."

Staring at the younger man Callen let his words sink in. He hadn't thought about it that way. All he wanted to do was protect the man. It had never occurred to him that maybe the man had to be the one that saved himself.

"I'm sorry, Deeks," Callen sighed dropping his head, "I just…"

"I get it," Deeks offered letting his hand fall away, "Callen, you need to let that guilt go. It's not helping anyone."

"I feel like I failed you."

"You didn't. You pushing me to talk to Nate and start to face what happened is what save me. Without that I wouldn't have remembered who I am. I'm Detective Marty Deeks and I'm okay."

"So you are. You'll tell me if something changes?"

"Of course. I care about you, Callen."

"I care about you too, Deeks."

"Then I guess we have something to look forward to. In the future."

"Worth the wait. Always worth the wait."


End file.
